Religion Rears Its Foul Head Yet Again…
Xxoozero (Shoutwire)
I believe religion is nothing but a crock of shit. It has monkey-wrenched its way into every facet of society and mocks common sense with its evil, unyielding, strangely homosexual looking grin. I have to see it everywhere I go. I’m sick of it and I want it to die.
I’m not saying I hate religious people. I have no problem with people believing whatever they want to. My beef is having it pushed on me. I hate being approached on the street and asked “Have you heard about Jesus?” Man… who hasn’t heard about Jesus? He has been saturating the “holy prophet” market with his propaganda for the last 2,000 years. I’m pretty sure I already know the story.
No… but they insist upon telling it again. The son of god gets owned by the Romans… blah… blah… blah… Then out of nowhere I’m told I’m going to hell if I don’t close my eyes and hope really hard that this dude forgives me for some shit I did that I didn’t even know about.
This Jesus fellow demands my allegiance. He wants nothing less than my very soul. I begin to think to myself “What the fuck did I do to this Jesus guy to make him want to fuck with me?” I start to think back… nothing comes to mind. My hands start sweating and I grab the guy by his collar… “What the fuck did I do, man?! Why?!”
“You were born.” He replies. I was what? Born? Wow. I never thought that would be the thing that did me in. Of all the things to get fucked over by… being born. Shit, I didn’t even get to choose that one. Then I begin to think about it and realize that is a bullshit excuse and this guy wants something from me.
“What are you selling?” I demand in a strict tone. “I’ll buy it if you promise to go away and call off this Jesus fellow.” Despite my offer he refuses to produce a product. He doesn’t want my money. Instead, he wants me to be saved by Jesus.
I regrettably decline his offer, explaining my memory card is already full with my other saved games. I really don’t want to buy another memory card because the platform is becoming outdated, so this just really isn’t the right time for me to commit to such a purchase.
Ah… but he is clever! “Jesus doesn’t need a memory card,” he claims. “Bullshit!” I cry! “Does he have a pre installed hard drive?”
The guy looks at me like I’m shit nuts. “Jesus… doesn’t need a… um… pre installed hard drive?”
This is purely and simply crazy talk. Everyone needs a preinstalled hard drive or you can not get on the internet. I mean, sure, you do need a lot of other stuff. A monitor, keyboard, mouse, and everything in the box… but I’m sure he could get that cheap at newegg.com.
Surely this Jesus fellow isn’t too good for Newegg. “Bullshit!” I cry again and punch the guy in the arm. He looked startled at first but then he turned and said “Punch me in the other arm.”
“Why… did you not learn your lesson?” I replied. He proceeded to explain that this Jesus fellow taught that if someone punched you in your right cheek, you should turn and let him hit your left as well.
I was confused. I had punched him in the arm, not the cheek. Did he want me to punch him in the cheek? I had no choice but to swing, just as he had no choice but to run away afterwards. Frankly, he was starting to scare me anyways.
It is not just the Christians. Islam is a pretty wicked religion in itself. They will punch you back. Not only that, but any writer who speaks ill of them risks a torturous murder. Well… take aim, extremist scum, because there is no way I am leaving you out of this one…
First of all, what kind of a religion doesn’t eat pork? That’s just missing out on the goodness. Why would a person do that to themselves? The best meat I have ever tasted was a slow roasted pig. To chew it was to know true love…
Now… I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. I’m going to let them off on the whole terrorist thing. To be fair, Islam doesn’t teach terrorism or suicide bombings or any of the other rhetoric you hear on the idiot box. Sick fucks teach that stuff, not religious people. (Authors Note: maybe an oxymoron?)
But I digress… back to bashing Islam. The problem with the majority of the followers is they make it publicly known they are Muslims. They always want some special type of shit everywhere they go to accommodate their religious beliefs. Asking for special time off to pray, which strangely looks like napping…? I wish atheists had it so good…
Speaking of religions who tend to impose their beliefs on others, Judaism is no better. What they are doing to the Palestinians is criminal. Of course there is going to be tension. They have absolutely no reason to wonder why random attacks are so prevalent. The civil thing to do would be to provide the Palestinians with their own land and help them form a proper government. It seems Israel would rather blow them to pieces than show a little neighbourly support.
Before you start to bitch that Israel is a country and not a religion, they are the only Jewish state in the world; there actions reflect their beliefs just as much as the Vatican represents Catholicism.
Speaking of the largest undercover gang of hoodlums in history, what the hell is up with so many of them touching little boys? A small number of instances could have been written off as a coincidence… but the volume such as we have seen cannot be explained off so simply. Maybe it’s all the half naked statues of Jesus combined with children following him around everywhere and the central idea of being more “Christ-like”.
Also, why do they worship in such scary places? In my book, nothing is more frightening than a Catholic church after sunset. Fucking dead Jesus’s everywhere all bloody stuck forever crying out for help that will never come… those places are downright morbid. It seems a priest is always hiding in the shadows watching your every move. After the previous paragraph, that is one fucking scary thought.
Now, before I even start on Buddhists, let me just say I respect their religion. They seem to be the most peaceful of the bunch. That doesn’t mean they aren’t condescending and sarcastic bastards though.
All the Buddhist parables I have read centre around one concept: owning the other guy with your superior knowledge of the art of sarcasm. Someone always has to be made out as the dumbass. Plus, how did the Buddha get so fat if he was fasting all the damn time? Something about that whole story is mighty fishy…
Hindus don’t eat beef. What the fuck? That is all I have to say about that. I refuse to dignify such a heinous act with any more words.
Scientology can suck a big fat cock. It is not a religion; it is a bunch of swindlers involved in a dead science fiction writers shoddily put together pyramid scheme. Guys like John Travolta and Tom Cruise should be ashamed of their idiocy and outright dishonour in involving themselves in such a fraud. They are already rich; they should have no need to prey on the limited funds of others. The rottenest of the rotten those two are…
Scientology does have one thing going for it though; they have yet to cause a war. Not on Earth. They are waiting for some kind of intergalactic fire fight to start; aiming mighty high. Fucking geniuses, those guys are. I bet they dress up in Star Trek uniforms and rape teddy bears when no one is looking…
You may think I am being harsh on them because they are famous… no. I really think these people are shit nuts. What the fuck is a Xenu? Why do they stress that they can help make you a better person? I am satisfied being a jackass. More people should be like me. Fuck scientology for working against my kind!
On the other hand, you have the far eastern religions of Confucism and Taoism. These seem to be the most level headed on the surface. However, when you look at the history of the regions represented by them, you find thousands of years of warfare. These days you also find communism. As communism is an atheist-based government, could atheism be the ultimate product of the most sensible religions?
No. Atheism is fucking stupid too. Boring as well. At least the others give you something to look forward to… some kind of afterlife. It is almost like a jip. This is all you get or will ever know, life sucks, there is no meaning, and when you perish you are gone forever. That’s it. No real selling points at all; except it is the most logical solution.
On the upside, atheists do have the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It started as a way to mock religions over their wild and fantastic beliefs. I believe this is most likely the way all religions started and one day people will totally take the joke seriously. It is scary to think that 2,000 years from now Vatican City may be populated by the secret alliance of the Spaghetti counsel. Though I doubt they could do a worse job than the Nazi who lives there now…
I have come to the conclusion that any and all talk of what happens after you die is a waste of time. We will all find out eventually, there is no need to argue about it until we are all a bit more well-informed on the subject. In other words… to die is the only way to find out for sure. I’m sure after reading these last few paragraphs there are some folks out there who would like to help me along on my own journey upon this earth. Before you load up your M-16 and kiss your family goodbye one last time, hear me out…
All religions have good points and bad points. The belief part ruins everything. It turns humans against each other. The perfect idea of religion would be to let folks study them all and take out of each what they like without adhering to one doctrine. A mix and match sort of thing so everyone is different. That way everyone gets what they want and no one fights.
Abolishing religion, while a nice idea, would never work. Some people need it so as to not be threats to society. It keeps them on track and not out killing folks. Don’t get me wrong; if we would have done it in the beginning it might have worked. But religion has its clutches too deep in society’s skin. It couldn’t be removed now without a lot of bleeding. It is a curse we just can’t get rid of. All we can do is sit back, sigh, and let the prerequisite “dammit” flow from between our lips as we realize we have been screwed by our ancestors and there is not a thing we can do about it.
Religion should be marginalized. It should be treated as importantly as a clan affiliation in that damn World of WarCrack video game everyone plays these days. It should never be brought up amongst public conversations with decent people in real life. Have your religion, I say, as long as you recognize the fact that no one cares what your cockamamie ideas are and you have the good sense to keep them locked behind the closed doors of your house and not posted on billboards all over the motherfucking god damn place.
Still want to shoot me? Yeah… those last few paragraphs didn’t exactly exonerate me. I’m not really good at that sort of thing. I’m more of a provoking type.
What I wrote above does not include everyone who is religious. The majority of people involved in all the aforementioned religions (except Scientology) are generally good folks who only have the best of intentions in mind. They don’t take their texts literally and just resolve to live a nice and decent life. This is nice, because they aren’t out trying to steal my car stereo. Or sending me shoddily written emails claiming to be the prince of Uganda offering me a fortune for my personal information and $40 in transfer fees.
Fuck you Ali Ibrahim. One day I will find you and piss in your fridge.
I’ll bet he is a god damn Scientologist…